I need a reboot. I am tired. I am run-down. I am overworked and underpaid. (That last line I added for dramatic flair.) (But some days it feels true.)
I knew going into this summer that things would be hard. I had a newborn baby, and a toddler, and four big boys who would be home with me for the summer. So in addition to all this, I decided to have zero expectations. Aim low and you won’t be disappointed.
I realized, I had accepted and made peace with the fact that the television might play more than I like, that we might rely on more electronics than I’d ordinarily choose. I told myself, many times over, that this would not be a summer for setting records with revamped chore lists and The Best Behavior Ever. Maybe not even setting personal bests with hours spent reading or lots of time playing games. I decided that the path of least resistance would be the best way to get through.
This, my dear reader, is no way to live.
I don’t like this hand-to-mouth existence, the feeling of shooting from the hip to such an extent. There is a part of this approach that is necessary for this season. It’s not that I have no plan at all, it’s just that the plan must have very few bullet items within.
But I’m not at peace living this way. I’m tired of it. In the midst of trying to pace myself, I’m afraid I’ve taken a dangerously chilled-out approach that is serving no one, especially not me.
Now let me back up by saying a large part of this approach is for my own good. A few weeks ago, at the beginning of the summer, I went to the boys first swim meet. It was great — hot, but not unbearably so. My sister (I would not be surviving this summer without her) was watching the two little ones, so I was free to do what I needed to do at the meet. And everything went great.
Except, about a day later, I was tired. I was what Paul and I like to call over-tired. To the point that later that afternoon, the thought of rounding up my crew and getting us all out the door, well it just brought tears (lots and lots of them) to my tired eyes. Loading up everyone in the car seemed an insurmountable task, never mind that I had plans to actually bring everyone somewhere after that.
I realized, in that very dark hour, that I needed help. Getting help was not a sign of weakness; it was a sign of using the brain God gave me.
So I have been much aided by my sister this summer, and it has been wonderful. I’m able to take the boys places, specifically the pool, without worrying about the baby getting too hot. I’m able to focus on keeping Henry safe and occupied without worrying about feeding Isabel in the midst of that.
I also made some other decisions that involved limiting my outings, especially uber-tiring events like swim meets. I have been sad to miss the other meets, but realized, after that first meltdown, that it would be better for everyone in the long-run if Mommy paced herself and let Daddy go with the swimmers.
But along the way, something has happened. I have shifted to an auto-pilot that isn’t positive. It’s time for me to start being proactive again, to have a deliberate nature to our home life, to stop going from Morning Block of Time to Lunch to Afternoon Block (with each block having no real goal other than to make it to the next one). I need to pray more. To focus more. To have a plan for what I want to accomplish and (even more importantly) what I want the boys to get done as well.
Boys don’t thrive in a plan-free environment. I don’t either.
How wonderful (God is so good) to come across a few fellow Internet friends of the Heart talking about these same things. Paul and I got home from a much needed reboot date tonight, the kind where after dinner I said “Can we drive around and talk some more? I’m not ready to go home yet.” And we drove and talked, talked about the need for a plan and focus and also a reminder of how well things are going (so I don’t get crazy discouraged) but how they could be even better.
We came home and I found these similar thoughts, reflections of near-burnout and a sense of hope that a refocus will do the trick. It will.
I am tired.
I am ready for change and up to the challenge.
I am encouraged.
music to my ears right now. My hubby and I were just talking about how we are sick of "making it through" something we have been doing for the whole of our young marriage. We want to live deliberatly – for our souls, our marraige, our children. For us that means finding a better way, but also taking some time out to name and celebrate the smalls ways we are doing well. God Bless you!
I think we all feel like this from time to time. HUGS~!
I really resonate with this post – it's so difficult to give, give, give, and give some more without replenishing. And as you said, it turns into survival mode instead of intentional family life. I, too, have found that realistic expectations are better than the ones that are too lofty or the ones that simply don't exist. Keep fighting the good fight!
Oh, just "yes!" I've been pondering this, especially through the lens of Elizabeth's words.
i love this post so much. with our recent huge move from north to south and the changes that brings, we've also been flying on a free plan. it is NOT working. and i was just thinking that the children are not at all thriving on the plan-free non-routine! i love the honesty of your writing and the encouragement, rachel. you rock.
I've never posted here before, but feel so inclined to do so. I've loved your blog now for many months – I have three boys and April 13th gave birth to our little Gracie. Since then we've moved and the boys are all home for summer. And typically being a super-organized mom who plans educational activities, I've resorted to praying that everyone has a clean pair of underwear the next day. Your post today went straight to my heart and I, too, now feel encouraged to fight the good fight and get back on track. Many blessings to you and your family, Rachel – and thank you!
Oh, you're sweet! It's funny, I was reading this post and thinking, "that is so WEIRD. I was just talking about this SAME THING."
So, so much depends upon my having adequate sleep, a fact I consistently deny. I think that if I can order my life around that one principle, things will go so much easier. It's so hard to do that with a new baby, even one who is the Epitome of Pinkitude like your own.
I would take a picture of my disastrous desk and post it as "see, you're not so bad" inspiration, but I can't find the camera. Only the memory card. I could maybe wave the memory card in front of my desk for a while and see if that works.
Summer is hard because you want to take a break and not be completely scheduled, but then everyone loses the motive power that comes from having a consistent routine. You know, I remember you talking about this in a post a few years back, I think – like, a basic structure for summer days, or something. I was hoping the mornings would consist of the children playing board games and reading library books but they seem to want to be entertained.
The hardest thing about homeschooling for me is being accountable only to myself.
I feel the same way. I have 5 kids (6 years and under) which includes 10-month old twins. I feel like I'm always breastfeeding. I long for a good night sleep but to no avail since the twins still wake up individually at various times. I have mommy brain to the zillionth power. I don't live close to family, no babysitter. I have to have daily routines and nap times. Still I'm tired. I know it is only for a season. God bless you!
I am also a mother of 2-year-old twin girls, and I nursed them both for over a year. Although my husband was extremely involved in their care, I did not sleep for more than 6 hours before I was waking up for one of them during the entire first year.
There were very frustrating moments, but I have to say that making a daily effort to say the rosary (even through distractions) was the best possible use of 20 minutes. One never regrets time spent in prayer, and even a distracted rosary can be offered up along with all of the other maternal frustrations to Our Lord. I have found that the grace it brings, simple as it is to do, is straight from heaven. It seeps into all of those unseen places that the devil loves to exploit at some vulnerable moment. I have seen arguments dissolve, feelings mend, and frustrations soothed after uttering a single, "Ave…"
I would challenge every mother who might read this to commit to saying the rosary for 3 days. See what grace Our Lord will pass through His Mother's hands to your mind and your household.
Motherhood is a gift, and also, at times, a cross. But we have resources that await our invocation. Just as she walked with her Son on His via crucis, she will accompany us. After all, she was (and is) the mother, par excellence.
Do you get Magnificat magazine? I am really enjoying it, even though I don't always say all of the prayers each day. I feel like my mind sort of shifts into a different gear when I make prayer a regular routine and not a spontaneous (i.e., rare) habit. I try to say the morning prayers, read over the Mass readings, and say the evening prayers each day – but not necessarily at dawn, noon, and dusk.
I also was going to suggest listening to music. Sometimes when I am really stressed out and at the end of my rope, I just don't even think to try listening to peppy music. And then it can change my mood for the better. I know this is just about the most obvious suggestion ever, but I am surprised by how often I think, "wait a minute – I could put music on! I totally forgot! My day is looking up!"
See, now, look what you made me go and do.
I know exhaustion comes with the territory with a large family and a new(er) baby, but still, just a thought… have you had your iron checked? After my last baby my iron was terribly low and I simply could.not.cope with everyday challenges. I was always in survival mode (even more than I usually am
)The difference in a few weeks of a good liquid supplement: priceless. Being physically healthy makes such a difference in our mental and spiritual well-being! It sounds like you have a great attitude and a great plan, Rachel. You go!!
Reading this was kind of a kick in the pants, as we are in such similar places in terms of family size and ages. I see that I have fallen into the same kind of routines. My girls (8 and 7) will be making 1st Communion this summer and I am definitely aware that we must pick up where faith formation at church leaves off. Thanks for inspiration and encouragement.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. We are in the midst of putting our house for sale. The painting and cleaning and projects have taken precedent. And, my boys have been utilizing way to many electronics to pacify them while Mom works.
Thanks for the motivation to really think about this time, rather than to simply hope it passes us by…
I started summer with such great plans for chores, homework, activities and swim each day. Then as the days drag on and the resistance to my plan gets stronger I've given up. I need to get back in control too. Up, down, pick my self up and start over again. Hopefully I'm making some progress….
I went through this when my 5th and then even harder when my 9th was born, I soo felt this post. It is a good reminder even today, we've recently moved and I'm overwhelmed at all the must do's to get us on track in a new town. Thank you and God Bless!r
around here, we just survive the summer,
Is it wrong for me to say that life seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you right now in the events of your daily responsibilities / Why should you add some more to that?
I'm with ya Rach. After realizing recently that my thyroid was probably out of whack and I needed an increase in my meds – I finally have some energy and some of the baby brain is gone. For the first time I'm over a year I have the ability (and the energy) to get the house organized. I will be praying for you and if you need something just give me a call – I'll be glad to send one of my kid's down to help you out.
Rachel-you're the real deal! Thanks for eloquently putting your emotions out there for other exhausted Moms to see. I am currently in survival mode for the summer and find your words tremendously encouraging.You are a hopeful and humble lady. You truly are one of the most authentic Catholic bloggers out there and your posts (be they humorous or serious) always are uplifting. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us:-) It sounds like your children have a wonderful mother running the show!
As I read your post, the tears just flowed. You are writing exactly what I am feeling right now, only I can't seem to put words to it! My fifth son is just six weeks old, so I am completely relating to you right now….all these boys, big, toddler, and newborn, that I love so much, but am just so anxious and exhausted, and saddened by what I'm missing out on. I love your book and your blog…you have provided me so much guidance and support, and we have never met. Thank you so much!
Sarah in Grand Forks, ND
Thanks for your witness to the reality of the life. Praise God!
"Boys don't thrive in a plan-free environment. I don't either."
yes, right.there.with.you.