In the combox below, someone made a good point, asking why I would seemingly take on more stress right now when just getting through the day seems to be enough of a challenge.
I appreciate the question and I think it’s valid — that’s certainly why I entered summer with none of my usual high-hopes. I knew this would be the case.
What has happened over the last few weeks, however, is that in the midst of trying to keep a slower, realistic pace, I have let a lot of necessary standards get too low.
Specifically, I’m talking about how I deal with the boys. There, I’ve said it. This is one of those things that I’m pretty sure is universal, but I don’t really always want to admit it: about twice a year, I need to regroup and get organized. I have to step back and assess our family life and then get a plan for chores and household rhythm and just day-to-day expectations.
Like children the world over, my boys have free will, and it isn’t always their first choice to clean and work and do much beyond entertaining themselves. This is especially true when none of those things are expected of them on a regular, daily basis.
I understand where this might seem like adding to my plate, unnecessarily, but truthfully going too long without a plan makes things so much harder. What starts to happen is the boys get out of the habit of doing anything (to speak of) and then I find myself doing all the household tasks (dishwasher, collect dirty laundry, dinner and dinner clean-up) because it’s just easier to do it myself than deal with the attitudes and protests. Honestly, I’d rather assign all the big boys the task of caring for Henry in the backyard so I can keep my house just the way I like.
But see? That’s not doing me or my boys any favors. Because then they are so out of the practice of doing work that even simply making a bed becomes a task of EPIC proportions.
That’s what my rally cry is all about — about having peace in our home. Of having time for chores and reading and prayer instead of keeping everyone occupied with the television alone. (TV is not evil, don’t get me wrong. But it can easily become the default.) This isn’t about no more fun or relaxation, but just doing things in good order, with a plan and vision for the day.
Already, in the last few days, I have noticed a marked difference in our home. When I sit to feed the baby, I close my eyes and meditate. Or pray. Or read a book. My example inspires my boys as well, and they are more inclined to find a book or sit with a pile of Lego’s instead of constantly asking when they can get back on the computer. They are slowly getting in the habit of remembering other fun ways to occupy themselves.
This is not about doing more. It’s about having a deliberate rhythm, an interior peace that does not come from life with no plan. In the days since I’ve cracked the whip (just a little!) life already seems so much easier.
Rachel,
Boy, do I hear you!
I, too, have 6 kids; 4 boys (15,12,7,3) and 2 girls (10, 7 months). While I certainly don't have any "permanent fixes" to these problems, I *do* have a suggestion: A WHITE BOARD!
I have a really large white board/dry erase board on one of my kitchen walls. On it are these 3 invaluable things:
1)I drew a grid for a monthly calendar on which I have everyone's "doings" color-coded (medical appts in red, different school events color-coded to different school colors, etc), and we use everyone's initials to denote who needs to be at each event.
2)Upcoming month's important dates in a small side-box.
3) A separate grid with "table set/clear and dishwasher duties" that alternate on a daily basis, with 2 kids on each duty (i.e. Bob/Betty set table on Mon, Wed, Fri, etc) AND another grid that holds "Morning Chores" and "Afternoon Chores".
Honestly, while this method isn't 100% perfect, it works really well for us because it virtually eliminates the fighting about "who's turn" it is and it sets clear expectations for the kids AND me! Twice a month, dh and I list "for pay" jobs that are "extras" and if anyone wants a particular "job for pay", he/she puts his/her initials next to that job. Then, Mom or Dad check the board and go instruct each child who has signed up.
This probably sounds more confusing than it is, and I am *sure* a pic of the board would help! Sorry!
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and all of us in this boat will help each other row along the way!
Our Lady of Good Remedy, Pray For Us!
What you wrote, the previous blog and this one, is where I feel that I am at right now. Except, I haven't "cracked the whip" so to speak. I have 3 boys and am expecting a little girl any time now. We have been so out of our usual rhythm and it's driving me crazy! I'm ready for things to be "normal" again. Glad you're getting all together though!
God bless you!
I know EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY what you're talking about.
I can recommend a wonderful book to you that changed my and my family's life in the direction you're looking for: A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. I read it about 5 (6?) years ago and from there I drew up daily and weekly chore charts for my 4 children. I have used these, revising them according to the seasons of our lives, since then and they keep everyone involved in caring for our home.
I like the title of this post, it reminds me of much more beautiful any given piece of music is when there is true structure and purpose in the composition, sort of like life.
I have two boys with #3 on the way but I already feel like this fairly frequently. Thanks for the reminder about what is truly best for us and our children.
After I read your last post I realized I am in much the same place. I, however, have no excuse – especially not a cute, infant one. We've just gotten off the rails with summer vacation and too many day camps, too much work for me to do (lawyer work, that is) and all sorts of other disconbobulations. This weekend I made up a chart of what the boys needed to get back to doing – helping with the laundry, making beds, doing some extra math and writing work – and so far this week has been a lot smoother, with fewer fights and fits. It's very easy for me to fall out of living intentionally and in to "Plan B", and the chaos that creates isn't good for anyone. I really understand how you feel!
I just ran across your blog and am happy to find another Catholic mom to five boys (and congratulations on that girl!) We have five precious little boy blessings, and I, too, am finding that summer is a real challenge. It's easier said than done building structure into the day, especially among such a wide range of ages. I'll continue to follow your blog and see how you do it!
Michelle
http://fivelittleboys.blogspot.com
you're not alone! I wrote a sumilar post when my baby (now 9 months) was your baby's age. a good song has many parts and changes in tempo etc. but without a steady rythm the song breaks apart.
Thank you so much for your post. I am so easily frustrated with my life right now and this is why – there is no order. No routine to life or anything of the sort. Hence, we are all out of sorts. Summer, a move – and still moving, life in an apartment, etc has not done well for us. Thank you for putting words to my feelings and helping me to see what I need to work on now.