My friend Fr. John thinks I need a maid. Actually, it’s more than that. He thinks I need Help — someone who is here in my home to help with laundry and cooking and cleaning and whatever else needs doing.
He is not referring to my homemaking abilities so much as his love for me and awareness of my daily To Do list.
The fact that I think this is overkill speaks more to my own problems then to Fr. John’s. He grew up having this kind of help — along with a smart mama who knew she couldn’t do everything by herself to take care of her large family.
And things were different then — it was cultural to have live-in helpers, people who were uniquely plugged into the family, that symbiotic relationship of one woman helping to run another woman’s household while earning money for her own.
People have been getting help for centuries. Even my husband, when he lived in Mexico as a single guy fresh out of law school, well even he had someone helping him out. He had someone to clean and someone to do his laundry during the week. It’s just the way things were.
Let me say right now that having full-time help is kinda out of the question for me. Even if I could finagle the funds, I don’t think I could ever justify the expense. Mostly, I can’t justify the freedom.
You see, I feel guilty at the thought of not doing all these things on my own — and while I haven’t moved past that feeling, I’m pretty sure I need to.
As it is, I have someone who comes to clean my house twice a month. This feels like a luxury. My friend comes in to vacuum and mop and dust and clean the bathrooms — all things I could do myself and have my children do. And I feel guilty about this. I justify this by saying it helps her out as well, but the truth is it’s ultimately all about me and my precious sanity.
I also send my two little ones to pre-school. When my four big boys were little they never went to any kind of program until they were just about ready for kindergarten. Now, off you go! Why does this pinch, just a little?
Instead of spending a lot of time analyzing my reasons, I’ll explain how I’ve come to this decision: it was for my mental health.
A few years ago I got to an impasse that looked something like this: Option One, I keep doing all these things with my children by my side as I sink lower and lower into a pit of overwhelming funk or Option Two, I can let go of the guilt, admit I can’t do it all, and outsource. Option Two seemed like a lot more fun.
It wasn’t easy at first. I felt guilty. I felt like I had to explain myself. Even as I grew in confidence that I had made the right decision, I would still compare. I’d look at my friends with the same number of children — particularly those who did not send their children to any kind of program and did not hire someone to clean — and I’d wonder why I couldn’t keep up.
Then one day I said to myself (with all the love in my heart), “Rachel. Who cares?” I said it in a really nice way, but ultimately that’s precisely what I said. It doesn’t matter — it’s great they can do all those things. You cannot — not if you want to stay sane.
And that’s what I love about Fr. John’s advice — and maybe I’m not so far from doing what he says. By today’s standards, I do have help. I’ve figured out how to free up my schedule so I can take care of my children and my husband and my household — and take care of me.
Without putting me too far down (or up) the list.
This originally appeared as a column in The Southern Cross.
Thanks for sharing! I think as Americans, we are HUGE on the pioneer attitude, “I can do it all and have it all!” This is not reality.
As a homeschool Mom, I am easily overcome by the busyness of life and how far behind I’m always feeling. I think we can be our own worst enemies.
I recently read a biography of St. Gianna Molla. I often wondered how she made it to daily mass, travelled with her husband for business and had a successful practice as a doctor. How did she do it with 2 kids in tow and another soon on the way? She had a houskeeper/nanny. I think it was all about sanity and priorities.
So, you can get to heave and have a housekeeper. Put your mind at ease. =)
Peace to you!
I know what you mean about sending your younger ones earlier than you did your older ones. My youngest and third child has liver disease and I spent the first 15 months of his life barely leAving him with family members until I nearly lost my mind. Then God shined a wonderful medical daycare into our lives. I felt so guilty about it but he loves it, gives me some sanity time and also a few precious hours with my older children without their baby brother. I still feel like it is overkill sometimes but it then I realize it makes up for the weeks I spend with him in the hospital.
You go girl! It seems like somewhere in the background of every happy big family there’s someone or some kind of resources (or maybe a load-shouldering husband who works short hours, like mine) that makes it possible. It’s just a matter of getting to know them well enough to see it!
I think we need to let go and let God…as Mother Theresa said. Let go of the things we can no longer do, and let God provide for us in His own way…whether it be a nanny or housekeeper or helpful husband/neighbor/sister.
Give yourself a break. I’m sure you realize that you may need more help now than you used to, but you also DO more than you used to. Were you writing articles, a book, a blog, and publicly speaking? Probably not.
Definitely give yourself a break!! We all have our own tolerance levels for different things. I chose not to send my two youngest to preschool only because my older kids were at different schools and I was homeschooling one at the the time and I knew I could just not add one more trip/place into my schedule. It was just easier not to send them. I laughed at your “guilt” for sending yours, when I had the very same “guilt” for NOT sending mine and depriving them of what the others had!! Hah!! I think we moms are all best at that – beating ourselves up over what we do or don’t do, when all that matters is that we raise a happy, loving family.
I have been there too where it was actually harder to send them somewhere than to keep them home.
Maybe there’s a middle ground? Surely you could use someone to come in and clean once or even twice a week?
This is a “problem” only for the rich . . .
I don’t agree with you on that. Help can come in all forms and fashions, and not always costing big bucks.
I’m feeling ornery this evening and really want to write this, although I’ll probably regret engaging so in the morning ~ if you ladies have money for private school, money for preschool, money for twice a month help, what? How about getting Walmart gift cards for the faithful homeschooling lady with a gang of children whose husband makes $2000 a month?
Hi, Grace – here’s how I see it. Hiring a housekeeper, lawn guy, babysitter, etc., is giving someone a job. If I can afford to do so and pay someone a fair wage for his/her services, and I can earn more in the time freed up for me because I’ve hired someone to handle whatever domestic responsibilities I’ve “outsourced,” it’s of economic benefit to both of us. And I am sure that our hostess and others who have commented about the benefits of hiring help are also charitable in their contributions to others who are less fortunate.
I don’t have any help right now whatsoever and can’t currently afford diddly or squat, but I would really love to be in a position to hire a sitter a couple of afternoons a week.
I hope I’m not sounding insensitive to your situation and I really, really understand your frustration. I’m guessing it was hard for Rachel to post about this because she knew she’d be opening up the conversation to “if you can afford that, why don’t you spend your money on this instead?”
I had a feeling I’d regret pointing my jealous-sounding finger . . . your point is Right On. Well-taken by me and a necessary kick. I’m nodding my head here and realizing a few things ~ thank you for your gentility in expression (Rachael, too!). We do all, indeed, have our own situations and I apologize for my quick “tongue” on this keyboard. Hope you all have a good day in Real Life!
You eloquently describe what so many of us moms feel – especially when we compare ourselves to others. Personally, I strive to live somewhere between trying to “do it all” while feeling inadequate compared to other moms, and letting go and just enjoying my family and taking care of them while also recognizing that I need to take care of ME too! I always appreciate your honesty in your posts.
The atomization of our mobile society has resulted in self contained little family units – and hired help is a reasonable substitute for the helping hands that used to be readily available in multigenerational households. I am in my last year as the mother of a minor child – 4 are “adults” (so-to-speak) and my baby is in his senior year of high school. Over the years, the times when we paid the piper for help made our household more peaceful – and allowed me to breathe. Early, I learned that comparison only leads to envy, self-pity or self loathing – and that each of us must DISCERN our path without comparing ourself.
This is not a problem for the rich – it is a middle-class problem. We don’t have the money to do everything, a decision for a housekeeper or mother’s helper is often a decision not to spend money on other things we really want – and it is often the right way to spend our money and support others who have fewer choices.
I have mixed feelings on this, obviously I’m not going to judge people for choosing one way over the other. But, having been raised with a housekeeper that came once a week I sometimes wish I had been given the responsibility of some cleaning chores so that I equated the messes I made with the responsibility of cleaning them up. I never understood how to maintain something so that it didn’t become a total disaster, it was always well, “the maid is coming on Wednesday so the bathroom will magically be back to clean in a few days anyway, what’s the point of cleaning off the counter now?”. I guess this can be countered by assigning daily tidying chores for the children and making them thoroughly clean any large messes they make so they understand. It took me a long time in my adult life to learn how to properly maintain my living surroundings, because I was never taught, or expected to do so. Currently, I break the house down into days of the week and it works for me, I don’t clean anymore than an hour a day. My kids are little now, but I would like to see them take on some of the cleaning responsibilities as they get older…I guess that still qualifies as paid help if it’s a paid chore for them!
Also, on a slightly humorous note, it’s kind of a territorial thing for me. Once a week help, maybe, but a live in nanny/housekeeper kind of freaks me out! It’s like another woman in your home and I can’t help but let my mind wander to all of those old testament passages about husbands sleeping with their wive’s maid servants. Not that I think my husband would, but if I ever had a live in helper she would be old and ugly!
My parents are not rich; they are very middle, middle class. Right now my mom is working extra hours so she has a little bit more money coming in and a lot less time and energy. She chooses to hire me to clean her house (we REALLY appreciate the extra money!) while she plays with my three kids. She would rather spend the little energy and time she has with them and help us out. So I guess I’m giving an example of what Dorian already said perfectly well.
I think it’s great that you can hire some help. In fact, I’ve thought about using some of my income to hire someone to fold my laundry! ha! (My husband said ‘no’.)
Rachel you are so right ..I have 3 boys and I always said no preschool till at least 3yrs and out of a diaper…then along came my third boy and off he went to preschool in a diaper way before 3 ..we all have our level of what we can manage and do well .. I outweighed him playing with others at school while I did errands and laundry to him being dragged every day on these errands with me .i thought early school was the better choice for him and me ..it allowed me to enjoy the time I had with him instead of being stressed ..with all my other chores..as far as affording it well we ate out less.. used more coupons ..and strecthed the budget…lets face it we all make sacrifices for our children we all do it every day.. and for you …please having 6 children and 5 of them boys .. with all the outfit changes from sports and all the grocerys i am sure they demolish ..I think you are so right to send the little ones off to school !! your doing a great job !!! I think moms are too judgemental of other moms ..and no one can ever tell another mom ..JOB welldone .
It is funny to read this post as it has been a hot topic in my house these days! I homeschool my 6 kids and for the past 6 years I had help once a month and then twice a month. Then the economy hit my husband’s job and I have been without help for over a year now. I have no family nearby that can help me regularly The loss of help caused me a lot of woe-is-me pain on and off for …well it continues sometimes still. While I would say Amen! to getting some help in there when possible , my only word to the wise would be to always, always view it as what it is – an “extra” help. Never fall into the trap of saying ,even in jest, ” I just cannot do it without her ( or him or them or it) ” – because the day may come when one must. And the Truth , of course , is less dramatic – that I CAN do this because He will give me the graces to fulfill my vocation – in my case, once my dear Blanca left me ( I still tear up;) – the graces came in the form of me developing certain virtues that He thought I lacked ( I guess!) – Inmy case, it was learning to let go of having a super-clean house , to focus more on the people in it andthe memories of family life I was hoping to make, to care less about what others thought about the state of my house, and to let go of some of the outside obligations I took on , and to get back to being more diligent about my kids helpin gout as family should ( the struggle to get kids to work became an excuse for me to say – forget it, Blanca will be here in a week – the return to reality for my kids has been painful, yet EXCELLENT for their future families!)
Anyways, my cautionary tale is just to make the point that luxury once tasted becomes a necessity – UNLESS we are constantly reminding ourselves that is is JUST THAT ..a luxury. It is not a sign of weakness or an excuse to do less of our duties – it can free us up for many wonderful things. And when the time comes that it is no longer possible or perhaps necessary – we are detached from it so we can say goodbye to it wihtout as much sorrow as yours truly has been struggling with for way. too. long.