UPDATED TO ADD: The minute I finished writing this, I got up, made a bucket of Oxyclean and scrubbed the entire interior of my van. It IS FIXED. IT SMELLS GREAT.
This post will be pretty short and sweet.
My Van Still Stinks.
Here is the extended version:
My Van Still Stinks, real real bad.
This post could go two ways. One, I could list all the people, places and things that have been described by the Balducci boys as smelling like the inside of our van. Unfortunately, many of those comparisons are not suitable for a family blog. Also, how in the world does Elliott think he knows what an elephant’s butt even smells like. Exactly. Someone’s BLUFFING.
So let’s skip that list which, because I’m sure you’re curious, did include things like Death. Monkey Butt. Death and Monkey Butt mixed together. Vomit. Etc.
I actually had the thought yesterday, as I stuck my face out the window for the seventh time on the half-mile drive to school, that my van couldn’t smell any worse if they discovered Al Capone’s 40 year old corpse had been buried in the back seat, under a layer of cow dung. Really, it’s horrible.
Why, you are asking, WHY are you sitting here wasting time writing about the putricidy when you could be out there scrubbing the rug? I see you there wiping tears from your face in abject frustration at my willingness to be a victim of the stench of my ride. The Stench of My Ride. (That sounds like a British movie, doesn’t it? Like a South-meets-Brit, Room with a View meets Testosterhome? But I digress.) (On purpose).
So here is my second list, Reasons Why I Haven’t Cleaned My Van
I’ll start with the number one reason which is: I’m going to make one of the boys do it.
Let’s not pretend like that isn’t exactly what my plan is. One of the boys is actually taking a really big (international!!) trip this summer and he’s raising money. So he’s totally getting the job of Auto Detailing My Ride, which in the real world would cost me at least $100, probably more once they discovered the dead monkey butt in the backseat. So my son is going to do this job and it’s going to be awesome.
Unfortunately, we are in a bit of a bind with time. We just haven’t had any free afternoons, and so the curds continue to form there on the floor between rows b and c.
But here are a few alternative excuses, even though I’ve started off with the right answer. Other options are:
a. I’m afraid of passing out at the smell
b. I have a phobia of puking.
c. Why in the name of all that is holy would I stick my face any closer to that crime scene when I am barely able to stay conscious from my prime spot waaay at the front of the vehicle.
d. I’m lazy.
e. I’m not lazy at all. I’ve got six kids and some spaghettio’s to heat up for dinner.
In closing, I’d like to thank you all for your suggestions. My plan is to use Oxyclean which cures ALL EVIL, though I did like the suggestion of pouring coffee on the spot (wasn’t sure if that meant brewed or not?) because really, anything would smell better than what is currently there.
Until then I have that giant tub of “fresh linen scent” odor eater which, as we all know, is more like an odor masker so now my van actually smells like Al Capone’s corpse, but wrapped in fresh linen.