Okay readers, this next one I might need some help on. I’m going to share the letter and then share my story. And then see what you can add to the mix.
From a reader:
I’m a mother of 4 boys (ages 7,5,3,3&2) who works full time outside the home and the rest of the time inside my home. I’m overwhelmed and frustrated all the time and my husband tells me I should talk to other moms about it. He tells me to read their books and blogs, attends moms groups and watch supernanny. But those other moms aren’t going to mop my floors, fold my laundry, pick up my kids from school, gibe them a bath, or help them with their homework. How do I get my husband to pitch in with the housework and support me in getting our boys to do the same?
Dear Overwhelmed,
What a challenging season! I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed. It has got to be tough to work outside the home and then come back to find more work waiting for you — especially if you feel like you aren’t getting any help.
First off, I want to be very honest with you here: I don’t have much experience with working outside the home (per se). When I had a full-time job, I had only one little guy and he was tiny. But even then I realized how hard it can be to be away all day and come home to another list of things To Do.
Putting myself in your position — thinking about the times when I am busy outside the home (traveling for work, being gone overnight), Paul and I rely very heavily on EACH OTHER to get the job done.
One of the worst things any one person can do in a marriage is try and break things down fifty-fifty. It just never ends well. My job every day when I wake up is to be prepared to give 100 percent to my family — to my children, to my household, to my husband. And thankfully Paul has that same exact attitude. It’s not about him going off and doing his thing and me staying here and doing my thing — it’s the two of us working together to get it ALL done.
Are you able to hire someone to help with any of the tasks? When I’m very busy with my “professional” tasks, I hire someone to come in and help with basic cleaning. It’s just one less thing on my plate. It’s not very expensive and it takes the pressure off me (and Paul).
If that’s out of the question, you need to sit down and have an honest talk with your husband about how you feel. BUT, before you do that, let me give you a few bits of advice.
1. When discussing potentially sticky topics (his actions or lack of help are causing you distress) you need to approach it with the Plus-Minus-Plus System of Communication (the Steve and Karen Swenson method). Always start with a positive (something your husband does that you appreciate) followed by the issue that needs work (in this case, you feel like he doesn’t necessarily help enough) followed-up with another positive (you love him very much and appreciate how hard he works for your family).
2. Don’t delve into this topic when you are tired. Don’t bring it up when you are angry. Find a time when you are at peace but willing to hash it out.
3. Keep in mind you want to find out what his expectations are as well. How does he anticipate the job getting done?
4. Make sure you clearly articulate why you are overwhelmed and how you think things could be better.
Do any readers have anything to suggest?
I’ll be honest — Paul is a HUGE help around our house. Him momma raised him to be a very hard worker, and then he spent several years living in a men’s household while he discerned his vocation and that place was all about service. I don’t say this to brag (on my awesome man) but to acknowledge that maybe not all husbands have the same attitude of coming home from work and being willing to work some more.
I’d love to hear from readers who have faced this challenge and found a peaceful solution.
Just one little thing that I’ve come to recognize: complimenting my husband helps. Even when I feel overwhelmed and certain that I need more of his help around the house, if I make the effort to compliment my husband (to him directly, to our boys when he’s in earshot, etc.) on some measure of help he’s given, everything is better. I feel good, he feels good, our boys learn that it is good to be helpful.
I read your blog regularly, but have never commented. I have 2 boys, 5 and 2, and a baby girl, and I work part time. I had the same frustrations with my husband helping out around the house, but after sitting down and talking through things with him, we discovered that, because I never asked him to do anything, he assumed I didn’t need his help and preferred to do certain things “my way”. Now, if I have a long list of “to do’s”, I just ask him to do something specific on the list, and he jumps right up to help out. We’re both happier with how things work in our home.
Although I am not working outside the home and I’m blessed with a helpful husband, caring for four kids can be a handful. I’ve found that sometimes I need to specifically ask for help and not assume that my husband will know my needs without me saying it. I also helps when I make a small fuss when he pitches in to let him know I appreciate it. (Instead of having a “Well, he should be helping anyway” attitude.)
I totally agree with Amber and Bobbi — be specific. I can be stewing in the kitchen over my perception that I’m doing everything, but the real answer is to say, “Would you please get the little guys into the tub?” or “The trash is overflowing.” If I’ve learned anything in 16 years of marriage, it’s that my husband can’t read my mind.
Couldn’t agree more, Kelly! For the longest time, I waited for my hubby to do just that–read my mind! How insane. He prefers a short list of things to do, so that’s what we do. Then, he’s getting tasks done and we’re both happy.
I love the above commenters’ points about a) compliments/always being appreciative vs. taking what my spouse has done for granted, and b) asking for help on specific things. My husband is a great guy and a hard worker but he just doesn’t instinctively “see” things like the drip-covered kitchen cabinets or how dirty the floor is. I used to get frustrated about him not helping out, but found what he really prefers is just knowing what chores are his, and having them stay that way vs. a sudden onslaught of “can you do this, this, and this” just when he thought he had a free evening. To mix things up, every few months, we sit down and look at the chore schedule and each pick a few for our basic framework, with flexibility b/c his work can get very very crazy – sometimes I might do all the chores, sometimes I’m sick and he blitz-cleans the whole house. So, for example, he’s in charge of weekly vacuuming, laundry, and doing the dishes when I cook. Once a week, but when and how is his business. I try not to micromanage how he’s doing it even when it’s different from the way I would do it. That lets him be independent and pick his own schedule, vs. being told what to do and when to do it by “Mom” (his wife). Not nagging makes him much more open to the occasional “qualitative improvement” request like “could you please vacuum under the beds when doing the bedrooms?” And then always following up with a big thank you – not as some kind of a trick, but because we both feel a lot more motivated when we feel appreciated even for the ordinary things that are our job anyway – thanks for taking out the trash, thanks for making dinner. Our kids are too little for chores yet, but my Mom wrote out a very specific chore chart when we were younger that lasted for years. Unlike a husband, kids need more direction and a specific framework to reduce negotiations over chores, so my Mom drew up a schedule with daily chores and the exact time they happened at (e.g., wake up 6:00 – tidy your room. 6:20 family breakfast before dad leaves for work, 6:45 Morning Chore, 7:00 shower, 7:20 practice piano, 7:50 be ready for school). The schedule rotated every week so that nobody was stuck with the same chores forever. It took a couple of weeks to settle in and find the right routine, but it cut down on a lot of arguing, reminders, and negotiation because it was posted on the fridge we knew exactly what we were supposed to be doing when (she clearly stated and reminded us of what every chore involved so we had clear guidelines/expectations – e.g., doing the dishes meant morning and evening, dishwasher unloaded and unloaded, pots/handwash washed and drying, sink, counters, and stove wiped down, leftovers from dinner packed up and put away). The schedule lasted for years, and included other things we argued over like who sat in the front seat with mom in the car for the week or who sat on which side of the table. Since it rotated every week it cut down on a lot of arguing and complaints of things not being fair. I’m sorry you’re in a frustrating situation. We’ve been there, and sometimes need to re-tweak the routine, but things are much better now.
Sorry, that was LONG! One follow on – normally reminders/ordinary mild discipline were quite effective in making us do our chores w/ the schedule, but occasionaly any kid kicks at the traces or tries to sneak out of work. I love my sleep, so I’ll never forget when I’d been increasingly slacking on daily chores over the course of the week. My Mom let me go to sleep, then woke me up in the middle of the night (vs. delaying my bedtime – a treat) to finish my undone chores. Being dragged out of bed at midnight in a cold house to scrub dirty dishes was memorable and highly motivational.
That is an awesome response by your mom
My husband and I both work outside the home and we have 3 children. What works for us has been assigning tasks. We’re not formal about it, but we had a few long talks recently about our expectations for an evening after work. We decided it was better for him to cook dinner while I went through mail, emptied backpacks, signed school notes, etc. My husband always assumed I wanted to cook since I prepare the menu and grocery shop but with cooking my night was literally non-stop and something had to give. Now at homework time he takes the smaller one downstairs to play while I do dishes and homework with the school agers. And since he doesn’t have the patience for a bath with the youngest, he helps the older ones with shower. In our house it really make a difference if each person has something they are responsible for- that goes for kids too. I totally agree with the other comments about communication. For the longest time he assumed I like to do everything because I never asked for help.
I don’t mean to diminish the weight of this very good question by adding this, but I just happened to watch it (again) and I’m a firm believer that humor can enlighten, edify, and encourage. This is hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKhK6i6oXf0#!
[I’m not saying everything is necessarily correct, but it’s funny and helps us think about our interactions
(I also find his discussions about how men and women have different brains to be very funny and insightful too)
That video was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
Great video. Thanks.
I agree with being specific and having a conversation about how the wife in this situation is feeling. Ahead of that conversation, she might consider listing the top 10 (or more) things she feels most overwhelmed with so that during that conversation, her husband isn’t also overwhelmed by what she’s saying. Hopefully they can both leave the conversation with a clear plan addressing those things.
I don’t work outside the home anymore, but even here, when my husband is home in time for dinner, he helps set the table/manage our boys and then after dinner, I clean up to really loud music while he gives baths/reads/etc. We’ve agreed neither person reads the mail or newspaper while the kids are awake (bedtime is around 8) just so one person doesn’t feel like the other is doing “all” the work.
I love Kelly’s comments!
I’d also suggest that (at least) your oldest two children can help. There are probably chores around the house they can help with. Certainly cleaning up their toys, but also collecting trash, setting the table, matching socks.
I’ve always worked. Always had to. We have an unwritten rule that neither of us sits down to relax in the evening until the chores are done. When the kids were little one of us cleaned the kitchen while the other did baths. Whoever was done first collected up the laundry. We’ve also not felt any job was “ours” and so did not tell the other how to do that job, which helps. Now that the kids are older, we have different routines, but it’s a similar pattern: work gets done before we sit down in the evening.
The first thing I’d question is why do you need a full-time job outside the home. Have you and your husband ever sat down and considered the cost to your family (and I’m not talking about not money) to having the mother outside of the home. Who is raising your children?
What would you have to sacrifice materially for you to stay home with your children? (Again, count the cost.) Will you look back on your life and wish you had had more time with them? Which do your children need more: your presence or what your salary can buy them?
Of course, I have no idea of your circumstances (or anything about you) so don’t take this as a judgment, just an answer to your question from a mom who is raising four children (homeschooling) on one college professor’s salary.
I would say for the children, one of the few things we did that worked was to pick a couple of chores when they were little that have stayed theirs throughout. So the boys have cleared the dinner table every night for the last 7 years or so. It took about 5 years, but now they do it well, quickly, and without arguing
And for the husband – I make specific requests only. Those soul searching conversations about how I feel taken advantage of and how he feels nagged are for rookies!
Been there, done that, never changed anything. Specific requests followed by thank yous. And I find I need to be just as specific with the husband as with the kids. “Will you take out ALL OF the recycling, please?” “Will you clean out the litter box and sweep the floor around it after?” “Will you clean the boys bathroom, including the tub and floor and mirrors?”
We also have a permanent agreement about all the driving being his job (we’re fortunate enough to work at home). It takes up to 3 hours each day, so if he does nothing else, I can still be grateful. And I don’t get annoyed about him not doing it “my way.”
Everyone has given great advice. I have been married 18 years, 5 kids. I do stay home and I homeschool, but with 5 kids and activities, it’s still overwhelming. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I also had a full time job. The biggest comment I would concur with is to be specific when asking your husband for help. Mine is often oblivious to things that need to be done, or he just assumes that I’ve got it handled. If I don’t tell him that I need help, or ask him to pick up or take a child, etc., he often doesn’t know. He has a lot on his plate also, and he gets blinders on sometimes about his own “to do” list. It’s just the reality. But when I ask him specifically to help with something, he’s always willing. The second comment I would make it that your 7 and 5 year old are old enough to help with chores. There are lots of great articles on the internet about age appropriate chores. Just be sure that your expectations are not too high. Make sure that your husband and kids are not backing off from helping, because you expect things done a certain way – your way. There are many ways to skin the proverbial cat!
As a man, sometimes I skip these kinds of posts (‘really? how uncommitted!’) when it seems more like I’m intruding on womens’ talk. But this kind of stuff is really good to share. The videos are a real find! I’d just add a few things I’ve noticed as a husband and father of 5, with 4 boys (14 to 4).
1. Pick good times to talk (e.g. not last thing, or straight after a return from work).
2. Especially if things are really bad, create some Good Times where you laugh/relax together. Work/Problems/Solutions/Work/Problems/Solutions isn’t how God made us. He rested on the 7th day not because He needed to but because it was an essential example to us. Humour is a big thing as well.
3. Put sincerity into mutual appreciation (of the person and, separately, what they do). Actually dig deep to understand why you should appreciate. Otherwise, it can just be exposed as manipulation and cause problems. The other isn’t a ‘tool’. Having said that, those videos illustrate it’s so much better to know HOW the other likes/needs to be appreciated. We don’t give men flowers!!
4. Be patient. Life is difficult. Modern life places excessive demands on us. My wife came back from a friend’s beautiful house only to start with ‘why is our house so cold?’ and notice more than ever a mark on the new wallpaper.
5. Did I mention I like being appreciated and what I do being appreciated?
6. Maybe you know more about Stephen Covey books in the US but he’s a Mormon and father of 8, I like many of his ideas on family, and he walks the talk. He suggests regular family meetings. Spouses and the older ones can volunteer to do things as a contribution to the shared family effort. Patiently train the children in tasks and regularly review progress.
7. Grace builds on nature. All this is great, building on our human nature, but underlying everything is Grace. Before you hit a wall and especially if you do, pray about it. If God can ‘move mountains’, he can shift entrenched attitudes and habits, even if it’s just chipping away a day at a time.
Sorry for the size of the post. I’d better go and walk all this talk…